


i wanted there to be more than one work in the COPPA tag (and more infodumping to come)

by crazycreepycookie



Category: infodumping about random real life topics
Genre: Infodumping, children's online privacy protection act, notice me COPPA-senpai
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2017-09-08
Updated: 2017-09-08
Packaged: 2018-12-25 12:01:21
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,202
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/12035472
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/crazycreepycookie/pseuds/crazycreepycookie
Summary: two assholes yell at each other about obscure lawsthis is what it sounds like in my head all the time 24/7





	i wanted there to be more than one work in the COPPA tag (and more infodumping to come)

“The copper what?” Sandrew asked, confused.  
“No, COPPA,” said Memily. “It’s an acronym. It stands for Children’s Online Privacy Protection Act.”  
“Isn’t that an initialism?”  
“No, Sandrew. An initialism is when you pronounce the letters separately (for example, CPU). COPPA is an acronym because it’s pronounced as a word. In this case, the pronunciation bears a close resemblance to the word ‘copper,’ without a final ‘r’ sound, unless you’re British in which case I guess they’re pronounced the same.”  
“I’m British,” said Sandrew in a terrible generic-American-pretending-to-be-British accent, which was terrible.  
“What,” said Memily flatly.  
“I’m British.” This time he sounded like he was from the north of Scotland.  
“No you’re not. That is a lie. Also COPPA is an American law anyway so if you’re British you don’t give a fuck.”  
“Okay, now all the British people have stopped reading, so we can get to the fun stuff!!!!” yelled Sandrew secretively but also loudly, in a very American accent.  
“Yes! More talking about COPPA!” said Memily.  
“Yeah!” said Sandrew.  
“So remember when you were like eleven and you really wanted to make accounts on the sites where all the cool kids were, like Deviantart and AO3?”  
“Memily, is AO3 an acronym or an initialism?”  
Memily paused, lost in thought. “...I have no clue. Technically, there’s not a one-to-one correspondence between the letters, so it might not count as either, but I’d say it’s closer to an acronym as a direct initialism would involve pronouncing it as Ay Oh Cubed, since the three is a superscript, but also the pronunciation of the letters is quite discrete so--”  
“NERD-SNIPED!” yelled Sandrew, smirking.  
“Fuck you,” said Memily. “Anyway what were we talking about?”  
“COPPA.”  
“Oh right. The acronym. Also, the American children’s privacy law. So you know how lots of websites won’t let you sign up before you’re 13?”  
“Yeah,” complained Sandrew, “and it suuuucks.”  
“That’s because of COPPA! The FTC didn’t want children to be unsafe onl--”  
“FIRST Tech Challenge????”  
“No, the Federal Trade Commission! Anyway, they didn’t wa--”  
“Memily, is FTC a meta-initialism, or an initialism of an acronym?”  
“Sandrew will you shut the fuck up about initialisms for two seconds.”  
“Funny, I say this to you every day and yet you never--”  
“I SAID SHUT UP. So in order to protect children online, or maybe just to keep them from having agency but probably both since children are dumbasses (no offense to children reading this), the FTC made it illegal for online operators to collect personally identifiable information from children under the age of thirteen without verifiable parental permission.”  
“...Did you just recite that from memory?”  
“Yes.”  
Sandrew did a quick Google search. “...Jesus, Memily. That was almost word for word.”  
“Thanks. Anyway so types of personally identifiable information include names, birthdates, email addresses, images or audio or video recordings of a child, IP addresses, and a bunch of other shit which would be, like, super creepy to know about a child. Addresses and stuff.”  
“So why is that a big deal?”  
“Two key terms there: IP addresses, and email addresses. Most sites which aren’t specifically marketed to children collect a mandatory email address as part of the signup process. So they have to make sure you’re over 13 somehow, or else they’d be breaking the actual law and if they were reported they’d have to pay a huge fine. Also, IP addresses being on the list means that some websites have to literally display a pop-up as soon as you visit saying you can’t visit the site if you’re under age 13. Which is annoying as hell.”  
“But you didn’t say they can’t collect personal information at all, right?”  
“Well, they can. With parental permission. And it has to be verifiable parental permission. Like, Club Penguin asking for ‘your parent’s email address’ where every kid just puts their own? That ain’t verifiable, my dude.”  
“Your face isn’t verifiable.” Sandrew made finger guns at Memily.  
“Hopefully it isn’t. I’m not wearing all this facial-recognition-thwarting makeup and glasses for nothing.”  
“Nice shades, by the way.”  
“Thanks,” said Memily, pushing her LED-embellished tortoiseshell reflective glasses up her nose and smearing the asymmetrical geometric high-contrast makeup all over her face slightly. “Robots don’t even think I’m human. Which is hilarious. I can just go it’s mutual, buddy and then start hysterically laughing in their faces.”  
“Faces?”  
“They don’t have faces!” Memily fell backwards in her chair and laughed for four minutes and twenty seconds. “Anyway, back to COPPA. Verifiable parental permission can take many forms, but they’re all fairly difficult to implement. Things like a phone call by a parent to a trained operator, a physically signed form which is scanned and sent back or faxed in, a payment from a credit card which only adults can use--”  
“Who uses faxes?”  
“Yeah, that’s kind of the point. Only old people.”  
“Oh, duh.”  
“So most websites don’t want to implement this, right? So they’re just like ‘no, no kids can be on here, period.’ Which sucks for kids. But also… even if they did… do you really want your parents knowing what you’re doing online?”  
Sandrew thought about his AO3 account and shivered. “You’re absolutely right, Memily.”  
“Yeah. So, ultimately, there’s basically no way for children to have any legal social interaction online. A lot of websites for schools and similar institutions implement parental permission features, and some websites geared towards kids try to collect as little information as possible. (Interestingly, it’s illegal for websites which are marketed to children to collect too much personal info, period, because they assume that most or all of the users will be children.) Some websites make an effort to implement parental permission policies, but they fall short. Like Club Penguin. I’m pretty sure Club Penguin is technically illegal. But the FCC almost never calls people out on their shit.”  
“Almost never? Has anyone ever gotten in trouble for COPPA violations?”  
“Yes! Yelp was fined 450,000 dollars for allowing people who entered a birth date showing them to be under 13 to sign up.”  
“Wait. Yelp? Like, the travel reviews site Yelp?”  
“Absolutely!”  
“Wow, damn.” Sandrew stroked his chin. “Weird.”  
“Actually, not weird. Yelp was in blatant violation of the law.”  
“That’s fair.”  
“Also,” said Memily, “I get really angry about people being stupid about COPPA. Like Club Penguin. And Brilliant.org. They literally sent out newsletters highlighting twelve-year-olds as examplary members of their site, and had a blatant cheating method outlined in their terms of service which is one hundred percent illegal. They make you say you’re over thirteen to sign up, but then they say ‘you can send in a scan of your passport after registration if you accidentally mis-entered your age.’ And I’m ninety percent sure they don’t ban you for changing your age to be under thirteen. Which is, as previously stated, illegal.”  
“Holy shit. It’s really easy to break the law.”  
“Yep!”  
“So… the dating site marketed as ‘Tinder for kids’ is a no-go?”  
“...Sandrew, COPPA is not the only problem with that idea.” Memily sighed.  
“That was informative!”  
“It sure was!”  
“I’m glad someone’s read your infodumping at least!”  
“Me too!”  
“Stay tuned for more of Sandrew!”  
“And Memily!!!!!” Memily said excitedly.

**Author's Note:**

> i hope you enjoyed learning more about random topics


End file.
